Fae (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} faemous) wrote,@ 2009-02-08 16:48:00 |
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She lives.
This week has been so draining emotionally, that I finally broke down a little bit today. Well, that was also because I forgot to take my antidepressants for two days (I am ASTOUNDED at the difference it makes when I don't take them), but also it's legitimately been crazy.
I have severe issues with trusting that people care about me. In general I assume that people don't like me very much, and I try harder than any person should have to to be nice and be the kind of person I think they want me to be rather than being myself. Over the last few weeks, I've found friends who I feel comfortable being myself with, and for the first time in my life, I trust that they care about me. It's fucking weird, and I'm having trouble dealing with how that makes me feel.
And in the breakdown I've started realizing how little time I actually have with these people. I graduate on May 16th. That's only 3 1/2 months. And then I go back to the life that I built in MA, and that I loved, but where I was still trying so hard to be someone that people would like.
I'm hoping that this experience will teach me that people really can care about me for who I am, but even through the amazing times of these last few weeks, I've lost a friend who was really important to me for a long time. Realizing that I was the only person who cared in the friendship, and that they really wouldn't care at all if I never spoke to them again was like getting stabbed, but at the same time, kind of a relief. I don't have to try so hard anymore. Sometimes the disappointment is just too much, you know?
Anyway, I probably shouldn't be writing this in the middle of a depressive episode, but I have too many feelings right now. Feel fully free to ignore every last sentence. I won't mind. I don't think I even know any of you anymore. I'd like to, but I don't think many of you even like me very much. And that's probably just my nature springing back to the forefront, but with the shit that's happened in the past few months, do you really blame me?
I think I'll take another nap. Ugh. I watched The Lion King earlier and legitimately sobbed throughout the entire thing. I am a fucking mess.
And the saddest part is that I've never been happier in my entire life.
This week has been so draining emotionally, that I finally broke down a little bit today. Well, that was also because I forgot to take my antidepressants for two days (I am ASTOUNDED at the difference it makes when I don't take them), but also it's legitimately been crazy.
I have severe issues with trusting that people care about me. In general I assume that people don't like me very much, and I try harder than any person should have to to be nice and be the kind of person I think they want me to be rather than being myself. Over the last few weeks, I've found friends who I feel comfortable being myself with, and for the first time in my life, I trust that they care about me. It's fucking weird, and I'm having trouble dealing with how that makes me feel.
And in the breakdown I've started realizing how little time I actually have with these people. I graduate on May 16th. That's only 3 1/2 months. And then I go back to the life that I built in MA, and that I loved, but where I was still trying so hard to be someone that people would like.
I'm hoping that this experience will teach me that people really can care about me for who I am, but even through the amazing times of these last few weeks, I've lost a friend who was really important to me for a long time. Realizing that I was the only person who cared in the friendship, and that they really wouldn't care at all if I never spoke to them again was like getting stabbed, but at the same time, kind of a relief. I don't have to try so hard anymore. Sometimes the disappointment is just too much, you know?
Anyway, I probably shouldn't be writing this in the middle of a depressive episode, but I have too many feelings right now. Feel fully free to ignore every last sentence. I won't mind. I don't think I even know any of you anymore. I'd like to, but I don't think many of you even like me very much. And that's probably just my nature springing back to the forefront, but with the shit that's happened in the past few months, do you really blame me?
I think I'll take another nap. Ugh. I watched The Lion King earlier and legitimately sobbed throughout the entire thing. I am a fucking mess.
And the saddest part is that I've never been happier in my entire life.
